Time has waxed and waned all the while being generous when it comes to making decisions – which, for the record, I do not enjoy. Having empty moments in which thinking and processing has to be done frustrates me. For three years we planned on one thing happening in one particular way and when it didn’t, time stood still but for a moment. In that moment, I felt like I could not breathe. Then time started moving, again. I would find a neutral place and out of nowhere I lose my footing. A word or an image brought to mind, even in the least intentional of ways. It happens almost as though I had been pushed into a river made up of rapids, one after the other. The initial plunge sends a shock through my system followed by multiple attempts to rise above the rushing water just to be pulled back down by the next set of swirling raging waters.
Most days are good days. Hayes starts Kindergarten in August so I have been planning lessons and embracing the role of teacher I always hoped I would be. I have several personal ventures that I am pursuing; Rob has found some DIY projects to run with for the moment. Busy-ness does not necessarily remediate anything and sometimes it backfires when there is “nothing” to do, for at that point the quiet seeps in to exhaust my mind.
The biggest question we have been asked is, “Will you try again?” This is not an easy question to answer. We have multiple paths from which to choose but none of them feel safe. Right now, we need to feel safe. We need to know that the decision we make today is not going to bring about giant recoil tomorrow. Today, that means we wait. Today, we worry about whether we get the dishes done before bedtime. Today, we plan for tomorrow’s swim lessons and playdate. Today, we live in the present. Time has already been an ally and an enemy this passing month, and I have no desire to push the limits anymore. We promise, as soon as we feel God leading us in a certain direction, we will write about it. Until then, we appreciate the opportunity to share with you our hearts on a weekly basis.