Last week we should have been planning our return trip home with our second daughter. We should have been planning the excited trip home, anxious to sleep in our own beds in a house with carpet and air conditioning. We should have been looking forward to introducing our friends and family to our sweet Raquel. Instead, we are already home.
The last couple of weeks have been emotional rollercoasters for me. I have been moody and quiet. I have been short-answers and short-fused. I finally had to sit down and take a survey of my emotions and beg God to show me what was going on because writing it off as “busy” was not cutting it. If I was that busy, I should have a lot more to show for it. What was actually going on inside of me was a guilt-ridden struggle of pure emotion – I was angry with myself and questioning every motive I have had since we started our adoption journey. There have been conflicting thoughts in my head and warring feelings in my heart, back and forth every single day since we’ve been home. The last two weeks have culminated into a near shutdown.
Did I give up too easily? Did I lack the faith that it would have required to persevere? Did I fail Raquel? Did I fail our family? Did I push too hard to get to her just to let her go? Yes, no, Yes, no, maybe. Every question is a battle laden with despondency followed by certainty overshadowed by doubt.
Last week Hayes filled a box for Operation Christmas Child and wanted to know if we could send it to Raquel. She still tells people she has a sister in the Dominican Republic. We started sponsoring a little 5 year old girl in the D.R. through Compassion International – Hayes wanted to know if she and Raquel knew one another. The reminders are constant. The wounds are real and for some reason haven’t healed completely. I realize that we are only 5 months separated from our traumatic experience and loss. I get that. But we are 5 months separated from our traumatic experience and loss. Some days it seems more real than others and in comparison to other losses we’ve seen suffered near to us, our loss seems inconsequential. Honestly, it is hard to explain a loss of something we barely had.
All I know to do is to give it to God and trust that whatever He has for me to learn and grow from our journey I will take and give the glory He deserves back to Him. My heart is in His hands and I will forever praise Him for guarding it through the good and the bad and for never letting go of me – even when it feels like it may shatter into a million pieces before the day is over and done.