I don’t do well with change. I never have. If a plan has been made, I expect that to be THE PLAN unless something unavoidable happens. I don’t like change for selfish reasons. I don’t like change for flippant reasons. I need a REASON – a GOOD reason. I don’t want to be the changer and I especially don’t like having plans changed on me. This year has not been good to me as far as my preference for change is concerned.
We planned to travel in March, then April, then May to be with our second daughter. We traveled in May and expected to be met with our second daughter within certain parameters. We all know how that worked out. Change has hit us left and right and I honestly have not enjoyed any of it. I am not saying that this year has been black clouds and thunderstorms over my head but I haven’t seen many rainbows and butterflies, ether.
Christmas is typically my favorite time of year. We start listening to Christmas tunes in June, I have my Christmas shopping done by September, and I anxiously await the time we give gifts to one another and laugh and play. This year, I’m not feeling it. We’ve had more Christmas parties to attend than any year in the past. I even hosted one of them. The Christmas tree went up at its normal time and I attempted to put lights on the front porch. I feel nothing “Christmas-y” on the inside. I didn’t even care that the lights I put outside blew a fuse in 1.3 seconds and have made no effort to fix them or turn them on at all. Plans for Christmas have been changing since last July when we started planning how we would experience our first Christmas with two girls in our own home. Then we started planning how we would celebrate with a daughter with severe special needs. Then we were back to one daughter and the reminder has come in many forms since being home. It came a few days ago in the form of a monogrammed bag that bore Raquel’s name that I had purchased before we left America for the D.R. for Christmas. It came today in the form of the “Withdrawal Acknowledgement Notice” from Homeland Security which simply “serves as acknowledgement of your written request to withdraw the Petition to Classify a Convention Adoptee as an Immediate Relative”. Oh, thank you for that.
I was supposed to wake up in my home on Christmas morning with both of my girls excited about opening presents, playing with their new toys together, having some crazy Pinterest-inspired breakfast together and Christmas music in the air and a fire in the fireplace. Instead, plans keep changing and my heart feels like it wants to implode. Here’s to a brighter new year and a clearer view of God’s sovereign plan for us – I sure could use it.